Fact Sheets And Publications
Winning Ways to Talk With Your Children
Written by: Pat Tanner Nelson, Ed.D. Former Extension Family & Human Development Specialist
Revised August 2025 by: Kayla Hayes
Corresponding Author: Gina Crist,听Health & Well-being Program Leader
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Good communication helps children develop confidence, feelings of self worth, and good relationships with others.
It makes life with them more pleasant and helps them grow into adults who have good feelings about themselves and others.
Communication is what we say and how we say it.
We communicate with looks (frowns or smiles), with actions (slaps or hugs), with silence (warm or cold) as well as with words (kind or unkind). Adults usually don鈥檛 have difficulty communicating with children when it simply involves听 giving directions on how to wash dishes or explaining the danger of cars, but they do have trouble communicating when feelings are involved 鈥 either the child鈥檚 or their own.
Good communication leads to:
warm relationships
cooperation
feelings of worth
Poor communication leads to:
kids who 鈥渢urn off鈥 adults
conflicts and bickering
feelings of worthlessness
Here are some winning ways to talk to children and teens.
Try these ideas! Remember, what works well for one person may not work for another.
Use kind words to encourage and build up.
Kind words bring happy results!
They give children more self-confidence and encourage them to behave better, try harder, and achieve more.
They also communicate love and respect. Suppose a child has spilled milk on the floor. You can say, 鈥淒on鈥檛 be so clumsy! Just look at the mess you made!鈥 鈥 which leads to unhappy feelings. Or you can say, 鈥淗ere is a sponge. Please wipe up the milk.鈥 鈥 with happier results.
Use 鈥淚-messages鈥 to communicate your thoughts and feelings.
鈥淚-messages鈥 are statements of fact. They tell children how their behavior makes you feel. Often children don鈥檛 know how their behavior affects others. 鈥淚-messages鈥 are much more effective than 鈥測ou-messages鈥 when a child misbehaves.
Which sounds better?
鈥淚鈥 Message
I need help picking things up now.
I don鈥檛 feel like playing that game when I鈥檓 tired.
I get upset when I see mud on the floor.
I can鈥檛 hear you with all that screaming.
I don鈥檛 understand.
鈥淵ou鈥 Message
You made a mess.
You鈥檙e a pest.
You ought to be ashamed.
You鈥檇 better shut-up!
You鈥檙e dumb.
Good 鈥測ou messages鈥 reflect a child鈥檚 ideas and feelings.
鈥淵ou messages鈥 describe children鈥檚 feelings and encourage them to express troublesome feelings.
When children are allowed to express bad feelings freely, they learn how to handle them in healthy ways. Hiding bad feelings is self-destructive. Bad feelings do not disappear: they can lead to self-hate, headaches, ulcers, and violent actions.
Examples:
You are sad because your dog died.
You are upset because you didn鈥檛 win the game.
You鈥檙e mad because Jenny wouldn't let you play with her.
Remember:
Actions can be labeled good or bad, but not feelings. Feelings are neither good nor bad. They simply exist.
Use door openers.
Door openers invite people to say more, to share ideas and feelings.
They tell children that you are really listening and interested, that their ideas are important, and that you accept them and respect what they are saying.
Examples:
Really?
Say that again, I want to be sure I understand you.
No kidding!
Use more do鈥檚 than don鈥檛s.
Tell a child what to do rather than what not to do.
Using 鈥淒o鈥檚鈥 rather than 鈥淒on鈥檛s鈥 is very difficult, especially if you already have the 鈥淒on鈥檛鈥 habit. Using 鈥淒o鈥檚鈥 rather than 鈥淒on鈥檛s鈥 requires much thought and practice. However, the improvement in your relationship with your child will make it worth the effort.
顿辞苍鈥檛蝉:
Don鈥檛 drag your coat on the ground.
Don鈥檛 squeeze the kitten.
Don鈥檛 slam the door.
Don鈥檛 draw on the table.
顿辞鈥檚:
Hold your coat so it doesn鈥檛 drag.
Carry the kitten gently.
Close the door softly, please.
You can color on this page.
Talk to children as you talk to your friends.
If you talk to children with as much consideration as you do with your friends, you will be on the way to great relationships.
Make important requests firmly.
Speak as if you mean it, and give a reason why a child must do this thing at this particular time.
A request made in a wishy-washy manner lets a child think you do not really care whether or not you are obeyed.
Children can think about only one thing at a time.
When they are involved in play, it is hard for them to shift their attention to you. Also, they don鈥檛 like being interrupted in their play any more than you do when you are engrossed in your work.
Talk with (not at) children.
Talking 鈥渁t鈥 a child is a one-sided conversation.
鈥淧ut on your raincoat.鈥
鈥淵ou are going to spill that.鈥
鈥淵ou need a haircut.鈥
Adults who talk 鈥渁t鈥 children often use the excuse that a child cannot talk at the adult鈥檚 level.
But no one, including a young child, likes to be talked 鈥渁t.鈥 You may talk 鈥渁t鈥 the family dog, but try to talk 鈥渨ith鈥 your child.
Talking 鈥渨ith鈥 children is a two-way conversation 鈥 speaking yourself, and then listening to what they have to say.
Forming the habit of talking 鈥渨ith鈥 children rather than 鈥渁t鈥 them will be especially helpful as they grow into the teen years.
Listen attentively.
Get rid of distractions and pay attention to what your child is saying.
At times adults may need to stop whatever they are doing and listen to a child. It is difficult to run a vacuum cleaner, cook dinner or read the paper, and at the same time, pay close attention to what a child is saying.
Do not pretend you are listening when you aren鈥檛.
If you are busy 鈥 talking on the telephone or entertaining guests 鈥 tell a child, 鈥淚鈥檓 busy now, but let鈥檚 talk about that later.鈥 Then be sure to follow through.
鈥淭une in鈥 to what children are saying and thinking.
When children are asked, 鈥淲hat鈥檚 wrong with grown-ups?鈥 many children comment on parents鈥 listening habits.
鈥淕rown-ups never really listen to what children have to say,鈥 one boy said. 鈥淭hey always decide ahead of time what they are going to answer. Sometimes I never get to finish what I鈥檓 saying before they answer.鈥
鈥淕rown-ups interrupt children all the time and think nothing of it,鈥 another child said.
Children need to feel that they are important, and special, and loved!
When a parent spends special time with a child, the child鈥檚 spirit grows and he or she develops a sense of worth. Children need practical examples of your love. In most cases, the time spent with a child will speak much louder than any words ever can.
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Communicate acceptance
When children know they are accepted, they are able to grow, to change, and to feel good about themselves.
Children are then better able to get along well with others.
Accepting children just as they are makes it easy to communicate with them. Those who feel accepted will be more likely to share their feelings and problems.
When Adults: | A Child Feels: |
Threaten | I don鈥檛 matter. |
Command | I鈥檓 bad. |
Preach | You don鈥檛 like me. |
Lecture | I can鈥檛 do anything right. |
Strive to accept children just as they are, without necessarily approving of their behavior.
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Pat Tanner Nelson, Ed.D.
Former Extension Family & Human Development Specialist
This newsletter has been adapted from information prepared by Dr. Betsy R. Schenck, Virginia Cooperative Extension, and Dr. Herbert G. Lingren, Cooperative Extension, University of Nebraska.
Suggested citation: Nelson, P.T. (Ed) (2012). Winning Ways To Talk With Children. in Families Matter! A Series for Parents of School-Age Youth. Newark, DE: Cooperative Extension, 91原创.
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